The phrases above are just some of the comments I have heard people say and I still continue to hear them. Yes, it is 2020 and these comments are still made by people. These phrases used to bring me down; however, they now raise me up to be a strong, confident, woman of strength. That strength is the reason I am still here today sharing my story with the world. I have had this article in my drafts for four years now but have not had the courage to finish and share it with you all. Now I am ready to put myself out there and empower the change within my story.
Society teaches us the standards of beauty at a very young age. For women, having long, silky, and straight hair is considered one of these standards. It is acknowledged universally by many to this day. If a woman has short hair, many people consider her to be non-feminine, an outcast, or is having a troubling time in her life.
These “norms” are what holds many women back from cutting their hair because they want to live up to society’s standards of beauty. Being judged for having short hair and receiving hateful comments lowered my self-esteem.
Since birth, my little sister and I have an unknown condition in which our hair is too weak to grow and sheds unevenly. My parents—as any parents would—were devastated to hear about our condition.
After consulting with multiple specialists in India, my younger sister and I found out we would never be able to grow our hair past a certain length. In 2007, we moved to America and my parents consulted with another doctor in hopes to find some new information. However, the new doctor had the same opinion. Once again, my parents were told that “with hormonal changes, it will get better.” They realized they had to accept that fact. Our parents hoped one day their daughters would understand it and accept it as well.
I was born in India and lived there for the first 10 years of my life. In Indian culture, femininity and long hair are intertwined. Women are looked down upon for cutting their hair short or shaving their head. Growing up, I always felt like an outcast from the girls around me. I questioned why I did not have long hair like them and cried thinking that I would never fit in.
As a young kid, you believe what you hear and see around you. I believed the names I was called in school; that I would never fit in; and that I was worthless. However, at that time I did not understand how these beliefs were impacting me. One incident that comes to my memory is that I went to speak with a classmate since my personality was friendly and extroverted. He clearly didn’t want to talk to me and the next thing I knew, my left hand was covered in blood.
Even with a pencil stab in my hand, leaving a permanent scar, it did not crush me. I just took it as though it was an accident and moved on.
I was just like any kid who wanted to play and have fun. So, I hid my feelings under the rug and showed the world that the words and bullying did not affect me.
When I came to America, I thought the cultural difference would finally put an end to name calling and bullying but, I was wrong. The bullying only got worse. I was pushed around, stared at, called names, was told I would never be good enough for love, and much more. Instead of hiding my feelings under the rug, this time I pushed them down and joined various sports teams that my middle school offered. Through sports I was able to build up my confidence and not let others get the best of me.
As they say, the feeling you suppress will catch up to you one day. My childhood experiences eventually caught up to me. I let people’s words impact who I was as a person. I went from being an open, fun little girl to a shy young woman who did not see any purpose in her life. During my teenage years, I was very insecure about my outer beauty. I went into my own little bubble and started overthinking everything.
“I would never be perfect or loved.”
My inner-self disassociated from my day to day life; however, my outer-self continued to put on a smile and show the world it could not break me even though it had. The feelings of being an outcast and abnormal had gotten to me. I went through depression and spent many sleepless nights overthinking and crying to myself, thinking:
“Will I ever fit in?”
My friends started noticing the difference in me and got worried about my physical and mental health. But I still was not able to express to them in words what I was feeling. Tennis became my go to sport to release my pain and anger. Playing tennis though could only help me to a certain point. I was still feeling insecure, hurt, and like an outcast. I still smiled through the pain. I kept telling myself:
“you can’t let others get the best of you. Use the compliments that people have said about your hair as motivation to keep going”.
For me, the breaking point towards accepting my short hair was during the winter of 2014, when I went to my cousin’s wedding in India. For the first time in my life, I wanted to see how I would look with long hair and wore hair extensions. I was super excited to see myself in the eyes of how others wanted to view me. When the salon lady finished my look for the first night, I was not sure how to feel about it. My whole family loved it and I received a lot of compliments. The second night, I was still getting compliments about it, however, I cried when the salon lady finished putting in the extensions. I did not feel like myself.
Physically seeing what others wanted for me made me realize that I was not loving myself for who I truly was. The feeling of discomfort I had from wearing my hair long made me realize that I cannot change the person I was to fit in rather accept it and happiness will follow. I started to truly focus more on myself and stopped worrying about trying to fit in. I started to embrace the person I was becoming. I cannot lie, all this still triggers me to date but, I take it a day at a time and learn to cope with it better every day. Writing this was a huge step forward for me. Today, I tell people that my short hair makes me powerful and is the strength that has made me the woman I am today.
Short hair defines who I am.
To the people that have bullied me and called me names, your words and actions did at one point destroy me, but now it motivates me to empower others around me. To the people/strangers that have said kind words about my hair, know that your words mean the world to me and will forever encourage me to be the best version of myself. To the people that have continuously supported me through this journey and still do, thank you for helping me and standing by my side, you all mean the world to me. To my little sister, our experiences are different in the quest to find our uniqueness, but I am forever grateful and proud of how strong we have become over the years. To my parents, know that your daughters will never let other people drag them down and will always stand up for each other. Finally, to not only the South Asian community but to all: short hair does not take away a woman’s femininity or make them less attractive. It encourages them to be comfortable in their own skin and helps them empower the world.
Never let others’ ideas for who you should be define who you are.
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